It’s around eleven at night. The kids are asleep, or maybe the house is just empty and quiet, and you finally sit down with a cup of tea and put on that same show again, the one you watched so many times that you know what everybody is going to say before they say it. And for the first time the whole day, your shoulders go down a little bit.
If you recognize yourself in this, I would like to tell you something. A lot of people who lived with a narcissistic partner or a narcissistic parent have small habits like this one, and very often they have no idea where those habits come from. They think it’s just their personality. Sometimes it really is. But sometimes it’s the body still protecting you from something that is not there anymore.
Most of us think about flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks when we hear the word trauma. However, trauma from narcissistic abuse can also hide in much smaller things, like the way you walk through your own hallway, or the fact that your phone has been on silent for the last three years.
In this article I will go through twelve of these quiet signs, what research says about them, and what you can do to feel more at home in your own life again. So, let’s go through it.
Before we start, I have to be honest with you. I’m not a therapist and I can’t diagnose anybody. Also, none of these signs alone means that you have trauma. Many people rewatch their favorite series simply because they like it, and that’s completely okay! What we are looking at here is the pattern, the history behind it, and whether the habit comes from fear.
What Is Actually Happening In Your Body
Imagine living for years with someone who can explode at any moment, or who criticizes you for the smallest thing. Your nervous system adapts to that. It starts watching for danger all the time, sometimes even while you sleep. The NHS calls this hypervigilance and describes it as feeling very anxious and looking for danger constantly. They list it as one of the common symptoms of PTSD, next to sleep problems, avoiding things that remind you of what happened, and feeling disconnected from yourself.
I should also mention that “narcissistic abuse” is not an official medical diagnosis. It’s a term people use, and I use it too, but doctors don’t diagnose it. What they do recognize is complex PTSD, which according to the NHS can develop after ongoing domestic abuse or abuse in childhood. Whether that applies to you is something only a professional can say. In any case, if you look at the habits below as old survival skills that never got the message that the danger is over, a lot of them will start to make sense.
At Home
1. You Never Really Decorate Your Home
You moved in two years ago and there are still boxes in the corner of the bedroom. The walls are empty. You keep telling yourself you will buy some frames next month.
For some survivors this happens because whatever they chose in the past got criticized. You bought a lamp you liked and then heard about it for a week, how ugly it is and how much money you wasted on it. After enough of that, you simply stop choosing things. Other people just don’t have the energy, which is also understandable, because when you are busy surviving, decorating is the last thing on your mind.
Funny enough, some of these women are great at decorating other people’s homes. They help their sister choose a sofa and give advice to friends, but their own living room stays exactly the same for years.
My suggestion is to start with something very small. One plant, or one photo in a frame, in a place where you see it every morning. That’s it.
2. The Curtains Stay Closed During The Day
Closed curtains mean nobody can see in, and nobody can see if you are home or not. If you spent years feeling watched and judged, I can understand why that feels safer.
But it can also be connected with low mood, when the daylight just feels like too much. And over time, a dark room every day usually makes you feel more alone, not less. Try opening them for one hour in the morning while you drink your coffee. Is privacy important to you? Then thin sheer curtains are a good compromise. The light comes in, but people can’t really see inside.
3. You Walk Quietly Around Your Own House
Do you close doors so slowly that they don’t make a sound? Do you know exactly which step on the stairs squeaks, and you step over it without even thinking?
If you lived with somebody whose mood could change because of one loud noise, then you learned to be as quiet as possible, and you learned it well. What surprises many people is that the habit stays with them even years later, when they live completely alone. I find that very sad, honestly.
Next time you go to the kitchen, try walking normally and let your steps be heard. It will feel strange, maybe even a bit rude. Keep doing it anyway.
4. You Only Relax When Everyone Else Is Asleep
This is probably the most common one.
During the day somebody always needs something from you. Or there’s a chance of an argument. So you never really switch off. Then at night, when the house goes quiet, you finally have some time that belongs only to you, and you don’t want to waste it on sleep. So you stay up until one or two in the morning. People online call this “revenge bedtime procrastination,” which sounds kind of funny, but the tiredness the next day is not funny at all.
Just a tip. Look for ten minutes of quiet earlier in the day. Sit in the car for a few minutes before you go into the house, or take a short walk after lunch, so the night doesn’t have to carry everything. If you have little kids, I know, ten free minutes sounds like a dream. Even five is a start.
In Your Body
5. You Sleep On The Edge Of The Bed
Some people sleep on the very edge of the mattress, curled up, even when they are alone in a big bed. For a few of them it’s about making themselves small next to someone. For others, it’s about having a fast way out at night. Sleep problems in general are one of the most common signs of trauma. I wrote about how your sleeping position affects your heart and brain health in a previous article, and I think it’s worth reading if this one sounds like you.
What helps some people is a simple routine before bed, the same one every night, and a pillow behind the back so they feel a bit more protected.
6. You Keep One Ear Uncovered
Headphones in, but only one. The volume low enough so you can still hear the front door, or a car stopping outside. This is hypervigilance in its purest form, because part of your brain is always listening for danger, even while you are trying to enjoy your favorite song, the one that used to make you dance around the kitchen before all of this started. Some people do it even in the bath, with the door locked. If you’re alone and you know you’re safe, try both earphones for five minutes and see how it feels.
7. You Don’t Like When Someone Stands Behind You
Your husband walks into the kitchen behind you and you almost drop the plate. In a restaurant you always sit facing the door. When a coworker reads something over your shoulder, your whole body gets tense.
After living with someone unpredictable, not being able to see what’s coming feels unsafe, and the body often reacts with a big startle, that jump you can’t control no matter how hard you try. Trauma-focused therapy can help with this over time. Willpower alone usually doesn’t. Some people even get angry at themselves for jumping like that, but they really shouldn’t, because the body learned it for a reason. Other than that, choose the seat you need and don’t apologize for it.
8. Crowds Make You Want To Leave
Shopping malls before Christmas, loud weddings, big family lunches with twenty people talking at the same time. For a brain that’s always scanning for danger, a crowd is simply too much information, there are too many faces and voices to keep track of. So you get irritated, or anxious, or you suddenly need to go home right now. And afterwards you need a whole day to recover, which other people don’t always understand.
Go at quieter times when you can, park near the exit, and decide before you go how long you will stay. Bringing one person who knows you might need a break also helps a lot.
With Other People
9. Your Phone Is Always On Silent
For many survivors, the phone used to ring with bad news. An angry call, a demand, somebody checking where you are and who you’re with. Today the phone is on silent all the time, and even when it buzzes on the table you feel your stomach tighten before you even look at the screen. And when somebody calls twice in a row, your first thought is not “Oh, they miss me.” It’s “What did I do now?”
Most phones have a setting where only a few chosen people can get through, while everyone else stays silent. That’s a good middle ground, because you stay reachable for the people you love without the phone controlling your whole day.
10. You Leave Messages Unopened For Days
The red number on the app keeps going up, 12, then 23, then 40, and you can’t make yourself open them. You do care about the people who wrote to you. But opening a message means you may have to answer, explain something, apologize, or deal with someone’s emotions, and you simply have nothing left for that right now.
Avoidance like this is very common after trauma, and I wouldn’t call it laziness. Try picking one time a day for messages, for example after breakfast, and answer only the easiest one first. A short reply is enough. Your real friends will understand, and if someone doesn’t, that tells you something too.
The Comfort Habits
11. You Rewatch The Same Shows And Listen To The Same Songs
Here I have some good news for you. Psychologist Jaye Derrick from the University at Buffalo studied exactly this, and her research found that rewatching a familiar favorite show can actually restore mental energy after a draining day. Watching something new didn’t have the same effect.
So I wouldn’t worry too much about this one. Many of us do it, me included. The only thing I would add is that after years of chaos, a story where you already know the ending can feel like one of the few safe places left, and it’s good to understand that about yourself.
12. You Wear The Same Comfort Clothes
The same gray hoodie, the same sweatpants, the big sweater that feels like a hug. Some survivors also pick clothes that help them blend in and not be noticed, especially if someone used to comment on how they looked or told them what to wear.
There’s nothing wrong with comfortable clothes, and honestly everyone should have a favorite hoodie. But if you feel unsafe wearing anything that makes you visible, try adding one small thing you like, a scarf in a nice color or a pair of earrings, and see how it feels.
Sadly, many women also stop buying nice clothes for themselves at all, because somehow there’s always something more important to spend the money on.
Why The Habits Stay Even After The Abuser Is Gone
A lot of women ask the same question. “He’s been gone for five years, so why do I still do this?”
The answer is that the nervous system learns through repetition. When something scary happens again and again, the brain creates shortcuts to protect you, like stay quiet, stay alert, don’t be seen. Those shortcuts don’t disappear the day the abuser leaves. They change slowly, through many new experiences that show your body the danger is really gone, and this usually takes months, not days.
So when an old habit comes back, please don’t be hard on yourself. It doesn’t mean you failed. Your body is still learning, that’s all.
How To Start Feeling Safe Again
First of all, notice the habit without judging yourself. You can even say it out loud: “Okay, that’s my old alarm again.”
Next, change only one thing at a time. Open the curtains one morning. Hang one picture. Walk normally down the hallway. Small changes repeated every day work better than one big decision that you can’t keep.
Some people like to keep a small notebook where they write down little wins, like “opened the curtains today” or “wore the red sweater to the store.” It sounds silly, I know. But on the hard days it reminds you how far you came.
Additionally, get proper support if you can. The NHS recommends trauma therapy such as trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and EMDR for trauma symptoms, and a therapist who understands emotional abuse can help you much more than willpower. I also wrote about how to protect yourself from negative energy, and some of those ideas can help when certain people keep pulling you back into the old patterns.
And if you are still living with someone who frightens or controls you, please reach out. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, it’s open day and night, and they can help you make a safety plan even if there was never any physical violence.
You Are Not Broken
If you recognized yourself in many of these signs, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Each of these habits protected you at some point. Being quiet kept you safe, being alert kept you ready, and not being noticed kept you out of trouble.
You don’t need those habits as much anymore, and with time and some patience your body can learn that too. Maybe one day you’ll be cooking in the middle of the afternoon with the curtains open and the music playing loud, and you won’t even notice how normal it feels.
Which of these signs did you recognize in yourself? Let us know in the comment box below.