Let’s say you spent two whole days cooking for Christmas. You got up at six to put the turkey in, you ironed the kids’ sweaters the night before, and for once everything came out right. Your mother sits down, tries the stuffing, puts her fork down and says, “Well, it’s not how I make it, but it’s fine.”
A few minutes later she tells your sister her pie is the best thing on the table. The pie your sister bought at the store on the way over.
You smile and keep passing the plates. Nobody else seems to notice anything. But in the car on the way home you don’t say much, because you know this wasn’t the first time. Last year it was the gravy. The year before, it was the way you set the table.
If something like this happens in your family every single year, and it’s always the same person somehow in the middle of it, you are not crazy and you are not too sensitive. Narcissists and holidays are a very hard mix. In this article I want to go through why that is, what they usually do, and what you can do to get through the season with your peace still in one piece. So, let’s go through it.
You’re Not The Only One Dreading It
First of all, holidays are stressful for almost everybody, even in normal, loving families. An American Psychological Association survey found that 89% of American adults feel stressed by something during the holiday season. Money was the biggest worry by far. But 22% said family conflict, either real or expected, and 30% felt pressure to make the holidays special.
Now put a narcissist at that same table and you can imagine how it goes.
One honest note before we continue. Narcissistic personality disorder is a real diagnosis, and only a professional can make it. According to the Cleveland Clinic, somewhere between 0.5% and 5% of people in the U.S. may have it. When I say “narcissist” in this article, I mean it the way most of us use it at home, for someone with very strong narcissistic behavior. Your mother-in-law probably never saw a psychologist in her life, but you still know exactly what I mean.
Why Holidays Bring Out The Worst In Them
Have you noticed that the same person can be almost pleasant in the middle of summer and then impossible from Thanksgiving to New Year? I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
Holidays are supposed to be about everybody. The grandkids open their presents, your brother shows up with his new girlfriend, your daughter announces she’s pregnant. For most of us that is exactly what makes the day nice. For a narcissist, sitting in a room where the attention keeps moving to other people is really hard, and sooner or later they find a way to pull it back to themselves.
Another thing is that holidays come with an audience. The whole family is there, sometimes the neighbors too. So it’s the perfect place to play the generous host in front of everybody, or to put someone in their place where everybody can hear it.
And then there are the old family roles. In a lot of families with a narcissistic parent, one child was the golden child and another one got blamed for everything. You can be 52 years old with grandkids of your own, and still feel twelve again the minute you walk into your parents’ living room. I wrote more about this in my article about narcissistic parents.
The Most Common Ways They Ruin The Holidays
Every family is different, obviously. But some things show up so often that you could almost set your watch by them.
Comments At The Table
This is the big one. Something small about your cooking, your weight, your house or how you’re raising your kids, usually said with a smile, so if you get upset you look like the one who can’t take a joke. It’s rarely more than one sentence. But it’s said at just the right moment, and you feel it for the rest of the evening.
Sometimes the comment comes wrapped as a present. I’ve heard of mothers giving their daughters a diet book for Christmas, and a mother-in-law who gave her son’s wife a book about “being less sensitive.” Other times the gift is very big and very generous, and then you hear about it for the next eleven months.
Favorites are part of this too. One grandchild gets an expensive tablet, the other one gets a card with twenty dollars inside. Kids notice that, by the way, much more than adults think. And watching your own children get treated the way you were treated when you were small can hurt even more than when it happened to you.
Drama Right On Time
Have you ever noticed how a crisis always seems to arrive at the worst possible moment? Maybe it’s a bad headache just as the kids start opening their presents, or a fight with the neighbor that suddenly has to be discussed right now, at the table. Or it’s a phone call two hours before dinner to say they feel “too sick” to come, after you cooked everything they like.
Plans change at the last minute too. You agreed on dinner at your place at four, and then on December 23rd they call to say everyone should come to their house instead, at noon. If you say no, well, then you’re the one who ruined Christmas.
With a narcissistic husband or wife it can look a bit different. The argument starts in the kitchen an hour before the guests arrive, so you open the door with red eyes while they pour the wine and tell funny stories like nothing happened.
The Silent Treatment
Something bothered them. Maybe they didn’t like where you sat them, or you forgot their favorite wine. Instead of saying it, they just go quiet for the rest of the day, and somehow everyone ends up trying to guess what’s wrong. Your husband asks if she’s okay, she says “I’m fine,” and that’s the end of it until dessert.
When Your Good News Becomes Their News
You finally tell everyone about the promotion. Within one minute the conversation is about the job they had in 1983, or how nobody in this family ever tells them anything first.
Your daughter might be sitting there with her ultrasound photo still in her hand, and suddenly everybody is listening to Grandma talk about her own three pregnancies instead. Nobody really planned it that way. It just happens, every time.
When The Narcissist Is Getting Older
A lot of people hope an aging narcissistic parent will get softer with time. Sometimes it happens, and that’s wonderful when it does. But very often it goes the other way, and the criticism and the self-pity get stronger as their world gets smaller. I wrote about this in what happens when a narcissist gets older.
Older narcissists also know which sentence works best. “This might be my last Christmas, you know.” It’s a hard one to hear, and sometimes it’s true. But if you’ve heard it every December for the last eight years, it’s okay to notice that. You can still go. Just don’t let one sentence decide everything for you.
Why It Hurts More In December
If your mother made the stuffing comment on a random Tuesday in March, you would probably roll your eyes and forget it by Friday. On Christmas Day, the same sentence can stay with you for weeks. I think a big part of that is hope. Every year some small part of us still thinks that maybe this time Mom will be warm, maybe Dad will finally say he’s proud of us, and maybe the evening will feel like the ones we see in movies, and when it doesn’t happen again, we’re not only hurt by this year but by all the other years too. Facebook doesn’t help either, with all those photos of families laughing in matching pajamas. Just remember that nobody posts the fight in the kitchen.
How To Protect Your Peace This Year
You can’t change a narcissist, and honestly, after 30 or 40 years, you’ve probably tried. What you can change is how much of your holiday they get.
Go In With Your Eyes Open
If your mother has criticized your cooking every year for 25 years, she will most likely do it again this year. I know that sounds a little sad. But when you already expect it, it hurts less, because it doesn’t catch you off guard. Some women even make a quiet bet with their husband on how many minutes it will take. It sounds silly, but it can turn a painful moment into something you can almost laugh about later.
Have A Plan And Your Own Car
Decide before you go how long you’ll stay, and tell them early. “We can come from two until six.” Drive your own car so you can leave when you need to, and have an easy reason ready, like the dog or an early morning. Pro tip: agree on a small signal with your partner, so either of you can say it’s time to go without a big discussion in front of everyone.
Breaks help a lot too. You don’t have to sit at that table for six hours. Offer to walk the dog, take the kids outside, or run to the store for ice. Ten minutes of fresh air can change your whole mood, and the funny thing is that most of the time nobody even notices you were gone, because they’re all too busy with the football game or the second round of dessert.
And if there’s someone in the family who sees what you see, maybe your sister or your husband, try to sit near them. Sometimes one look across the table that says “I noticed it too” is enough to get you through the evening.
What To Say When The Comments Start
Well, as little as possible. Don’t defend yourself, don’t explain why you made the stuffing your way, and don’t argue. Something like “Hm, maybe” or “Can you pass the potatoes?” is enough. The less you react, the less there is for them to play with. As I mentioned in a previous article about why narcissists provoke you on purpose, your reaction is often exactly what they’re after.
It can look something like this. Your mother says, “You’ve put on some weight, haven’t you?” You say, “Maybe a little. Did you try the green beans?” She tries again with something about your hair. You tell her it’s new and ask your nephew about school. It’s not exciting, and that’s exactly why it works. After a while there’s nothing left to push against, and most of the time they move on to someone else. Will it feel strange the first time? Probably, yes. By the third or fourth holiday it gets much easier.
Your Kids Are Watching
If the grandkids are being compared or ignored, it’s okay to step in, calmly. Talk to them before you go and again in the car on the way home. Something simple, like “Grandma sometimes says things that aren’t nice, and it’s not about you,” can mean a lot to a child. They’ll remember that you saw it and that you were on their side.
Just a tip. Plan something nice for when you get home, maybe a movie with the kids and takeout from your favorite place. Knowing it’s waiting for you makes the afternoon easier.
You’re Allowed To Do The Holidays Differently
Nobody says you have to spend every holiday the way you always have. More and more families are changing their traditions, and some couples now skip Christmas with their parents altogether. Others host at home, where they decide the time and the menu, or they visit on the 26th instead, when things are calmer. Some people start a completely new tradition with friends.
That being said, I know the guilt can be very heavy. Will the relatives talk? What if it really is Mom’s last Christmas? Many adult children of narcissistic parents feel guilty every time they put themselves first, something I wrote about in why children of narcissistic mothers often feel guilty for being happy. I personally think wanting one quiet, peaceful day is not selfish. And if you decide to go anyway, that’s okay too. Just go with a plan.
When It’s More Than Just Rude
In some homes the holidays can actually be dangerous, with more drinking and more stress in a small space. If someone in your family has ever threatened you, pushed you or made you feel afraid, please don’t spend the day alone with them. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or go to thehotline.org, and talk to someone confidentially about a safe plan for the season.
The Bottom Line
Narcissists ruin so many holidays because the holidays are about everyone, and they need the day to be about them. That’s where the comments come from, and the sudden headaches and the long silences. You won’t fix that in one Christmas. But you can go in expecting it, keep your answers short, take your own car, look after your kids and leave when it’s time. And if this year you need to do things a little differently, or stay home, that’s allowed too. A quiet holiday where nobody ends up crying in the bathroom is a good holiday.
Does someone in your family always ruin the holidays? Let us know in the comment box below.